Labeling a child can seem appropriate at the time because you are trying to put into words what you see. However, you really do not know what is actually happening in your children’s minds that contribute to the behavior. So you do your best to generalize and label them based on your limited knowledge.

To be an effective advocate for your children, it is often helpful to learn more about how their minds work within what brain scientists call the mind’s four-act play.

Imagine that you arrive late to a Broadway play and only see the final, fourth act. In order to understand the conclusion of the play, you have to guess what happened in the previous three acts. While most people attend all four acts and can explain how each one built on the next, most parents do the opposite when understanding their children’s talents or challenges. They only see and try to interpret the final act: behavior. However, the previous three acts that occur in the mind impact behavior you see. So, when you want to understand your children, you need to understand how the previous three acts resulted in the behavior. Let’s take a look at each of the four acts.

In Act One, your children use their senses to bring information into their minds from the world around them and determine what information they need to remember. Each child is different in how well they can store information into memory that comes through different senses. Some children store visual information well, while others better remember what they hear. The quantity and quality of information stored in memory influences how well they can perform the second act.

Act Two begins when a decision or action needs to occur. Children use more advanced thinking abilities in act two to process information to solve problems. They need to generate ideas, classify, plan, organize shapes and movement. They use their mind’s large mental engines to make sense of the world and determine what to do. Children have different proficiencies in using these advanced thinking abilities.

After processing information in Act Two, their minds move to Act Three to filter that information through their personalities. It’s filtered through their values, emotions and personal experiences. So, two children can come up with the same logical solution to a problem in Act Two but will behave differently in Act Four because they have different values and beliefs about the situation or subject.

Each act builds on and influences the next until behavior occurs in Act Four. To be supportive of children’s talent development or disability, parents need to know how their children’s minds work in each act. By doing so, you will move from generalizing about your children’s talents and problems to understanding how their mental processes help and hinder performance. This knowledge will be essential for you to become a strong advocate for your children’s talents or disabilities. You can also help teachers, coaches, and instructors better understand your children so they can appropriately provide the instruction and support needed.

As parents, I think our primal reaction is to want to shelter our children from harm, both physical and emotional. We don’t want our kids to feel left out, scared, uncomfortable, and alone. Often, I think this is wrapped up in our own childhood memories of school. I remember being worried about boarding the school bus, and I also remember vividly being the new kid in 5th grade. At age 10, on the precipice of adolescence, I teetered on the edge of being shy and loving to perform. Would I be too nervous to try out for the school play? Would I raise my hand in math class? And more importantly to a pre-teen, with whom would I navigate the friendships in school?

But how much should we be protecting our children against what we may initially perceive as emotional harm? And in the long run, does stepping in, or does NOT stepping in, create children who are better able to cope with what the world throws at them?

To illustrate, let me exemplify with a scenario I encountered that made me re-think my position on being my child’s greatest advocate.

Antony and I chose to place Annabel in a morning preschool, 2 days a week, when she was 2 3/4. Luke was brand-new, and honestly, I wanted Annabel NOT to be stuck at home every morning for his nap, and the idea of a few hours a week for me sounded like heaven. Her school highly recommends utilizing their carpool drop-off/pick-up line. At parent orientation, they assured us that one of Annabel’s teachers would take her out of the carseat and walk her to class. So that’s what we prepared her for. On the 2nd day of her school, Antony pulled up into the carpool line, and some random teacher took Annabel out of her carseat. Tears and screaming ensued. It took Annabel over an hour to calm down, during which Antony exchanged heated words with the director of the preschool, Nancy, basically saying that they dropped the ball.

I also sent off a fiery email to Nancy. I remember I wrote to her, “I’m okay with my child being sad, but I’m not okay with her being scared. You all scared her today when someone she didn’t know opened the car door!”

Nancy approached me in the hallway a few hours later as Antony and I came to pick up Annabel (who by the way, had a fruitful morning at school). I’ll never forget what she said to me. She said, “Melanie, I’ve been working with early childhood kids and parents a long time, so listen to me. It’s OKAY that your kid was scared. We don’t want to scare kids intentionally, but if it happens, it’s a teaching moment. We’re teaching them, here at school and you at home, how to cope with all of these emotions that they’re feeling. If we try to shelter them from all of these ‘bad’ feelings, they’ll never grown up and learn to deal with more complex ones.”

And that is why I love Miss Nancy. She’s not afraid of saying to a parent, “You’re wrong, I’m the expert and I’m right in this case.” And she made me face my own fear of not protecting and of disappointing my child.

It’s okay for my child to be disappointed. And I’m not being a bad mom for allowing that disappointment to continue; I’d be nurturing a sense of entitlement if I always stepped in and tried to shelter her from feelings and situations that are tough to deal with.

In the past week, I’ve heard parents complain about their child’s teacher, that their child is not in class with any friends, and moreover, that Miss Nancy won’t even listen to requests to change any of this. Good for Miss Nancy.

Of course we should closely monitor and participate in our children’s education. We should ask questions of the school directors and teachers, we should know what’s going on and WHY in the classrooms. But what are we teaching our children if we always step in to argue with the administration on their behalf? When will we stop? Will we argue for our child’s grades? Will we write excuse notes for not doing homework? Or, as one of the parents of a seventh grade student of mine once did, will we blame the school officials when our son is caught engaged in a sexual act on campus?

Or, should we perhaps focus on guiding our children through dealing with disappointments and frustrations within the educational system? If we try this, such as, “I know it’s tough that Sara and Megan are in the same class together and you’re not. But hey, now you have the chance to meet new friends, too, and you can still keep in touch with the other girls,” perhaps we will better prepare our children for becoming their own advocates and using their own voices.

In the end, I believe that you will be your child’s greatest advocate by giving him/her the tools necessary to cope with a range of emotions, proud or embarrassed, ecstatic or frightened. Your child will know that you love him, and he’ll also know that you trust him, too, to become an independent human capable of thinking, feeling, and yes, even failing once in a while.

Back at home, your mind starts planning next steps but you quickly run into a roadblock. Your daughter tells you that she does not want other kids to know she is good at math because they might not like her if she appears too smart. You scratch your head wondering what just happened and how you should react. This is the complex world of parents being advocates for their children’s unique talents or disabilities. Similar stories come from families with children who have learning disabilities or behavior problems. Parent advocacy can be more challenging when a child has an inefficiency in learning or behavior that requires other adults to be more sensitive, understanding and adaptive as instructors. Parents must assure that other adults and institutions provide the support their children need to be successful.

As advocates, parents need to play the middle ground between two extremes: one being an inactive bystander and the other being overly controlling. This middle ground requires judgment calls about what is appropriate to assure that your children get the support they need from others. Parents begin learning how to be advocates for their children by relying on their instincts and day-to-day experiences. Some parents become highly effective advocates over time, while others cannot adapt. Over the years, parents have learned many techniques to be effective advocates for their children. They have shared their stories around kitchen tables and at bus stops. One of the most important lessons learned is how to manage the experts who instruct your children so you effectively advocate for your children’s growth, learning, and talents.

How To Manage Experts Who Instruct Your Children

Before the twentieth century, experts in the community where primarily crafts people and farmers. They grew or made things that people used each day to survive. As education became more available and industries moved from the industrial to information age, experts now predominately provide information and analysis. Today there is an expert around every corner who wants to diagnose, train, teach, coach and guide your children. Being an expert has become big business, especially when it comes to giving advice to parents and children.

Children today receive more help from experts in more areas of their lives than anytime in history. As parents strive to help their children grow and prosper, they may need expert help in education, health, sports, and careers. However, there is one phenomena about experts that has not changed in thousands of years. Some experts want to keep their work very technical and hard for others to understand because it keeps them in control and keeps others dependent on them. This can help the expert potentially receive more admiration and money. You will know these experts when you walk away from a meeting about your child and still don’t understand the heart of the matter. You will know them when you are in a diagnostic session that is filled with jargon only the expert understands. This disconnect is two sided.

First, the expert is not doing everything possible to educate and empower the parents. Second, parents are too quick to abdicate responsibility to the expert and lack the assertiveness needed to ask key questions. To help you effectively manage experts, the following are four tips you can follow. First, when you hire an expert, you are choosing both the person and the expertise. You and your children need to feel comfortable at a personal level. Assuming the expert is competent, his or her ability to relate to you and your children will have the greatest effect on your success. Second, you should ask to see an example of the end result of the experts’ work. You can ask to see sample reports, talk with other parents and children, or watch the expert in action. Look for how easy reports are to understand, and how well the expert fosters passion in children to learn. Effective experts are likely to be good communicators and empower children and parents. Third, remember that you are the expert about your children.

You should assure that the expert you hire understands your opinions if needed. You can help the expert also see your child as a whole person not as a singular talent or disability. Fourth, if you have an expert assess a child, he or she should be as impartial as possible. Most experts who provide assessments have services to address specific problems and do not deliberately use an assessment to only sell follow-on services or products. However, there are some experts who do misuse assessments to convince parents that their child needs the expert’s services and will shape the assessment to sell rather than diagnose. By following these tips, you can get the most out of experts who can provide great value to your children’s growth, learning and talents.